In the post “Raise your words, not your voice” I took the original quote from 13th century poet and Sufi master, Rumi, and gave it a twist–going on a bit of a rant about all the noise I hear from conversations these days. And by noise, the focus was on volume, as well as unnecessary “clutter” such as curse words. Today, we go to the Buddhists for inspiration on communication.
We all want to be able to communicate in a way that allows us to be heard and understood, as well as respected. We (hopefully) want to add our positive light to the interaction. Ultimately, we may want an action to result–whether that is coordinating help from your spouse and kids to manage this week’s busy schedule, understanding from the friend you just watched a film with on your perspective of the trippy narrative, or a new client from a proposal you just pitched. Maybe you just want to interact with a flight attendant in a way that makes the 9 hour flight over the ocean more pleasant for both of you. This is the Buddhist Way.
Your conversations aim to be calm and kind. Yes, your points can be passionately argued, but in way that leaves all involved feeling positive.
We have often heard the idea of asking yourself four questions before you speak:
Is it kind?
Is it true?
Is it helpful?
And added a bit later to the “three gates”, does it improve upon the silence?
These questions can be traced back to Buddhist, Sufi, Muslim and even Quaker traditions. They beautifully capture the mindset and the positive energy we strive to add to any conversation. If we could all just ask ourselves these four questions before any interaction, the world could be a much more peaceful and joyful place.
Friends of mine would say I was a “woman of few words” as I speak quietly and in the most simplified way that I can to express myself. Yes, it is possible for me to break out all the multi-syllabic words garnered from decades of subscribing to the New Yorker and enjoying hundreds of Sunday NYT William Safire articles through the years, but I have found that for myself, the more simply an idea is expressed, the easier it is to be understood. This is particularly true when traveling, as complex phrases or colloquial terms tend to get lost in translation. Building on that, the easier an idea is to be understood, the faster it can be acted upon, as further clarification is not necessary. This lesson has come in handy in boardroom strategy sessions, with friends from around the world, and when trying to motivate a group. Of course it also applies to conversations with your children, parents, or romantic partners.
Even when you are having a fight, or I should say, ESPECIALLY when you are having a fight, it is important to check your words against the four questions and then simplify from there.
Have you already mastered the art of Buddhist speech? Then let’s go deeper into the eight-fold path of the Buddhist way:
The Buddhist Way:
- To speak consciously, clearly and concisely, without anxiety
- To respond instead of react
- To speak in a way that is kind, honest and helpful
- To know when to speak and when to stay quiet (and there’s number four!)
- To stay engaged while listening
- To express yourself so that others can hear you
- To nip potential problems in the bud before they become meltdowns
- To be comfortable in silence with no need to fill space with talk
We may go into this even deeper in a future post, but it seems like a fairly straightforward no-brainer of a guide to peaceful interactions, don’t you think?
Now, imagine being on a road trip and there are four of you crammed into a car and you’ve got ten hours or more ahead of you. Or you are at an extended family holiday dinner, or maybe a staff meeting at the office… Wouldn’t you LOVE if everyone could follow the Buddhist Way? Ahh, now we may have reached bliss!
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