There is a mantra I began following years ago, somewhat unconsciously, after a break-up. I learned that you need to love someone exactly as they are. Not who you want them to be, or wish them to be, or who your friends/family/etc. think they are. I had learned that for a strong relationship, you need to find a person who is comfortable expressing their authentic self, and you need to do the same. Sadly, the person I was with was trying to impress me and be someone he thought I wanted him to be. He would dress and act the part that he thought I wanted. He would do all the things I was interested in doing. It was delightful, until the one day, just weeks before we were due to marry, he asked me “what will happen when I go back to who I really am?”.
Whoa…what?!!!
Who you really are? I thought I knew this man. If this is not “who you are” then who are you?
The lesson I learned that day, was that as much as the two of us loved each other, this was not going to work. I did not realize that I was making him change into something, or someone, that wasn’t true to his nature. I did not know this at all, I only saw the “great guy” in front of me. What I later understood was that he somehow felt that his “true self” would not make me happy. To this day, I do not know why, but if he could not be himself around me for all the time we had been together, he would never be happy, and I had to let him go. I never cried so much in my life as I did after that split. But I learned.
This is a topic that comes up with many of my clients who are having difficulties in their relationships. One, or both, partners are just not being true to themselves—often because they think the other (or someone else, be it a parent, sibling, co-worker, etc.) wants them to be a certain way. I blame the society we live in for creating pressures for people to fit into certain molds. Yet it can take a certain moxie to break out. But only then, will you find true contentment, true peace and true happiness.
We are not all meant to have a “career, husband, 2.5 kids, and picket fence” sort of life. We are programmed by marketing to believe that we “need” to look a certain way, or behave a certain way, own certain “things”, follow a certain path or achieve a specific thing. None of it is true.
We are all created to be unique. To be ourselves.
That is our power.
And when we are not our authentic selves, we lose that power. The same goes for our partners.
Not everyone will understand the life you choose to live. It doesn’t matter. Does the life you choose serve you well (and not harm others)? In which case, you’re doing it right.
I’m not saying that any lifestyle is wrong. I’m saying that you need to create the one that is right for you. If there is a partner involved, that person needs to be authentically happy within that life as well. With that foundation, any family you raise or friends you cultivate will also have the benefit of that authenticity, building strength upon strength with a ripple effect.
And here’s the really interesting part, even when you are being your true self, what you want or need from life, or from those around you, may still change. You are not a static being. That is part of being authentic.
Many of my coaching clients have moved themselves to a point of authenticity and then wonder, “but now that I have what, or am what, I feel is most true, why do I suddenly feel that I want to do something different?”. Ah…you are just evolving, my dear. You’re still you, just growing into something more. Be proud of how far you have come and don’t be afraid. You’re on a wonderful journey of discovery.
For personal coaching on how to live an authentic life, or improve your relationships, and to make distinctive changes to your life, please get in touch with me through the contact form by clicking contact me above. I look forward to hearing from you!